Limestone Ledger

Inside Baseball for a Basketball Town™

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  • Mendoza Gives Fiery Pregame Speech on Tax Advantages of a Roth IRA

    Mendoza Gives Fiery Pregame Speech on Tax Advantages of a Roth IRA

    MIAMI, FL – Moments before taking the field for the National Championship, Fernando Mendoza delivered what teammates described as the most aggressively responsible pregame speech in college football history—an impassioned, 11-minute breakdown of the long-term tax advantages of a Roth IRA. According to players present in the locker room, Mendoza emerged from behind his locker…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Assembly Hall Watch Party Nixed, Officials Blame ‘Loser Energy’
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    Assembly Hall Watch Party Nixed, Officials Blame ‘Loser Energy’

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Just days after tickets sold out for what was expected to be a raucous football national championship watch party, officials at Indiana University abruptly canceled the event, citing mounting concerns that the venue’s current “loser energy” could negatively affect the outcome of the game. The watch party was scheduled to take place…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • 420 Bloomington Pulls ‘Fiesta Bowls’ After Accusations of Cultural Appropriation
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    420 Bloomington Pulls ‘Fiesta Bowls’ After Accusations of Cultural Appropriation

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A well-intentioned attempt to honor Indiana University football’s appearance in the Fiesta Bowl devolved into a familiar cycle of outrage, apology, and brisk retail activity this week after 420 Bloomington unveiled a limited-edition line of glass smoking accessories branded as “Fiesta Bowls.” The promotion, announced Monday morning via a hand-written sign and…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Nick’s Upstairs Finally Collapses 14 years After the ‘Wat Shot’
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    Nick’s Upstairs Finally Collapses 14 years After the ‘Wat Shot’

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — The upstairs floor at Nick’s English Hut collapsed early Sunday morning, an event city officials now say can be traced to the December 10, 2011 Indiana–Kentucky basketball game and Christian Watford’s last second, game-winning three-pointer. The collapse occurred at approximately 1:43 a.m. No serious injuries were reported. “This was not a sudden…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • ICE Halts Rose Bowl to Detain Cuban-American Mendoza
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    ICE Halts Rose Bowl to Detain Cuban-American Mendoza

    PASADENA, CA — The Rose Bowl fell silent after Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents entered the field mid-drive and detained Indiana quarterback Fernando Mendoza, an American citizen, in what officials described as a routine, precautionary, patriotic enforcement action. The stoppage occurred without warning. No flags were thrown. No announcement was made. Agents simply walked past…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • BPD: It’s So Awesome, but Don’t Discharge Weapons at Sky Tonight
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    BPD: It’s So Awesome, but Don’t Discharge Weapons at Sky Tonight

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — In a press conference that was equal parts Midwestern restraint and colorfully profane, Bloomington Police Chief Mike Diekhoff delivered his annual New Year’s Eve public safety message from the steps of City Hall this afternoon. Flanked by table of confiscated noisemakers, Chief Diekhoff leaned into the microphone and spoke from the heart.…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Hoosier the Bison Reunites with Herd En Route to Rose Bowl

    Hoosier the Bison Reunites with Herd En Route to Rose Bowl

    CUSTER STATE PARK, SD – Indiana University officials confirmed Monday that Hoosier the Bison, the beloved costumed mascot of IU athletics, has temporarily stalled in rural South Dakota after reportedly wandering off to reunite with his biological herd while traveling to the Rose Bowl festivities. The mascot, last seen chewing thoughtfully on prairie grass, is…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Mendoza Gears Up for Rose Bowl by Binging ‘Little House on the Prairie’
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    Mendoza Gears Up for Rose Bowl by Binging ‘Little House on the Prairie’

    PASADENA, CA — As teammates filtered out of the team hotel in search of trendy restaurants, nightlife, and something approximating a personality reset before the biggest game of their lives, Indiana quarterback Fernando Mendoza reportedly returned to his room, brewed a cup of herbal tea, and pressed play on Season 4 of ‘Little House on…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • On-Again, Off-Again Dad Blames No Chimney for No Presents
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    On-Again, Off-Again Dad Blames No Chimney for No Presents

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — Paternity test proven father Mark Reynolds, 44, expressed sincere sympathy for his children’s disappointment Christmas morning after explaining that no presents arrived due to what he described as a well-documented Santa access issue stemming from the absence of a chimney in his rental home. “I completely get why you’d be upset,” Reynolds…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Che Guevara Shirt to be Worn at Family Christmas to ‘Skip the Small Talk’
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    Che Guevara Shirt to be Worn at Family Christmas to ‘Skip the Small Talk’

    WHITELAND, IN — Home for the holidays and feeling militant, 19-year-old IU sophomore Ethan McCullough reportedly laid out his Che Guevara shirt on his childhood bed Saturday night like a soldier prepping tactical gear. The shirt, a faded, thrift-store red with a cracked, off-center stencil of the Marxist revolutionary, will serve as Ethan’s primary communication…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Planned Parenthood Mistakenly Buys 2,000 IEDs
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    Planned Parenthood Mistakenly Buys 2,000 IEDs

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — A clerical error of historic proportions rocked the Bloomington Planned Parenthood Tuesday after staff discovered that their long-awaited shipment of 2,000 IUDs was, in fact, 2,000 IEDs. According to internal sources, the supply manager placed the order using a notoriously glitchy online medical portal that repeatedly autocorrected “IUD” to “IED,” a problem…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Bostonian Born Again Upon Introduction to Euchre
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    Bostonian Born Again Upon Introduction to Euchre

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — First-year IU grad student and Boston native Liam Donnelly reportedly underwent what campus officials are calling a “profound cultural assimilation event” after being introduced to the card game Euchre during a Friday night gathering in a campus-adjacent garage. Classmates say Donnelly, who moved to Bloomington two months ago to pursue a master’s…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Viscous Personal Attacks Primed for ‘Freshman 15’ Jokes
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    Viscous Personal Attacks Primed for ‘Freshman 15’ Jokes

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — As Thanksgiving break approaches, thousands of IU freshmen are preparing to return to their hometowns, where extended family members are locked and loaded to comment on any evidence of the fabled ‘Freshman 15’ weight gain. Across Indiana, aunts, uncles, and grandparents are reportedly rehearsing passive-aggressive commentary designed to target students’ self-esteem with…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Hank Ruff One Slur Away From Country Music Stardom
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    Hank Ruff One Slur Away From Country Music Stardom

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — Local country crooner Hank Ruff, the 25-year-old pride of Southern Indiana, is reportedly one well-timed racial slur away from becoming a country music sensation, according to sources close to the singer. Ruff, whose biggest hit to date is “Tailgate Tacos,” has spent the past year perfecting what industry insiders call the “Wallen…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Anti-Capitalist Puts Protest Supplies on Dad’s Credit Card
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    Anti-Capitalist Puts Protest Supplies on Dad’s Credit Card

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — A local anti-capitalist activist and sustainability studies major announced Monday that he “rejects the oppressive capitalist machine in all its forms,” moments before handing his father’s Chase Sapphire Preferred card to a cashier at Goods for Cooks. Witnesses say Arlo Whitford, 21, spent nearly an hour loudly condemning corporate greed, institutional power…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Mendoza Inks Lucrative Deal with Durex
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    Mendoza Inks Lucrative Deal with Durex

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Indiana University star quarterback Fernando Mendoza, who has become a household name for his explosive play and boy-next-door appeal, has officially signed an NIL deal with Durex, making him the first collegiate athlete in history to represent a major condom brand. Reportedly the largest sexual health NIL contract in the NCAA, the…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Ellettsville Volunteer Firefighters Charity Calendar Raises $0.00
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    Ellettsville Volunteer Firefighters Charity Calendar Raises $0.00

    ELLETTSVILLE, IN – The Ellettsville Volunteer Fire Department’s much-anticipated 2026 charity calendar has raised a total of zero dollars, officials confirmed at a press conference held inside the station Thursday morning. Department leadership, backed by E.V.F.D. insignia and an unplugged microphone, presented the glossy twelve-month calendar with mournful pride. The calendar, titled Blaze of Glory,…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Mayor Vows to Annex Nashville
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    Mayor Vows to Annex Nashville

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A defiant Mayor Kerry Thomson unveiled a bold regional vision for cultural unification, pledging to annex the Town of Nashville. Standing before a backdrop reading “One Region, One Tax Base,” Thomson described the move as necessary, tangible progress and promised Nashville residents that they would soon enjoy the benefits of modern governance…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Rebranded IDS Print Reinstated as President Whitten Named Editor-in-Chief
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    Rebranded IDS Print Reinstated as President Whitten Named Editor-in-Chief

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – After weeks of backlash over Indiana University’s decision to discontinue the print edition of the Indiana Daily Student, the university announced Monday that the paper will return to print — under the direct editorial leadership of IU President Pamela Whitten. Calling the move a bold commitment to journalistic freedom within appropriate administrative…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • AI Used to Recreate the Fatal Elvis Shit
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    AI Used to Recreate the Fatal Elvis Shit

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – In what administrators are calling both a technological milestone and a regrettable lapse in academic supervision, a team of Ivy Tech Community College students has unveiled an artificial intelligence model that digitally recreates the precise conditions of Elvis Presley’s death. The semester-long project, titled “The Final Movement: A Nueral Reconstruction of the…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Bloomington South Students Build Homes They Will Only Ever See as DoorDash Drivers
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    Bloomington South Students Build Homes They Will Only Ever See as DoorDash Drivers

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — Bloomington High School South leadership unveiled the latest milestone of their renowned construction trades program this week: a newly finished single-family home on the city’s south side. The finished structure is expected to enter the market at “a modest, starter-family price point” of $1,100,000. Students were invited to pose proudly in the…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Pure Terror at Spencer’s Gifts as Bride of Chucky Box Found Empty
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    Pure Terror at Spencer’s Gifts as Bride of Chucky Box Found Empty

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — Chaos and confusion swept through College Mall after employees at Spencer’s Gifts discovered a ‘Bride of Chucky’ doll display box had been torn open “from the inside,” prompting an immediate mall-wide lockdown and frantic search for what staff are now calling “an active possessed situation.” The discovery was made shortly after 10:00…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • School of Informatics Students Suspended for Brutally Hazing AI Humanoids

    School of Informatics Students Suspended for Brutally Hazing AI Humanoids

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — Indiana University’s Luddy School of Informatics has suspended four students and mandated university-wide empathy training after officials concluded a months-long investigation into reports of cruel and demeaning treatment of humanoid artificial intelligence prototypes in a graduate-level robotics seminar. According to an internal disciplinary report obtained by Limestone Ledger, students in the “Human-Robot…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Townie, Student Secretly Rendezvous Like Modern Day Montague and Capulet

    Townie, Student Secretly Rendezvous Like Modern Day Montague and Capulet

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — In a story that has quietly scandalized both sides of the B-Line, sources confirm that a Monroe County townie and an Indiana University undergraduate have been meeting in secret at the Video Saloon, attempting to keep their burgeoning romance hidden from friends, coworkers, and, most importantly, their respective social ecosystems. According to…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Rival Vintners Seize, Destroy Oliver Winery Vineyard in Savage Challenge to Long-Held Power
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    Rival Vintners Seize, Destroy Oliver Winery Vineyard in Savage Challenge to Long-Held Power

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — What began as whispers in the tasting rooms and barrel houses of southern Indiana’s wine country has erupted into a full-scale viticultural insurgency as a coalition of rival wineries, long simmering under the shadow of Oliver Winery’s regional dominance, executed a coordinated dawn raid on the vineyard’s sprawling estate. The Merlot-fueled marauders…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Disheveled Nicolas Cage Seen Leaping from IU Archives Balcony, Clutching Scroll

    Disheveled Nicolas Cage Seen Leaping from IU Archives Balcony, Clutching Scroll

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Students and staff at Indiana University were left stunned after witnesses reported seeing actor Nicolas Cage vaulting from the second-floor balcony of the IU Archives while gripping what appeared to be an ancient scroll. According to campus officials, the ‘National Treasure’ star had been in Bloomington for what his publicist described as…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Cuban Brings ‘Shark Tank Live’ to IU with Tragic, Predictable Results
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    Cuban Brings ‘Shark Tank Live’ to IU with Tragic, Predictable Results

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Billionaire alumnus Mark Cuban hosted a live show of the hit television program ‘Shark Tank’ at the IU Auditorium featuring unwitting student contestants dropped into an actual great white shark tank if their business proposals were rejected. The outcome was as horrifying as it was one-hundred percent foreseeable. Cuban previously co-hosted ‘Shark…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Unhinged, Unregistered Lance Armstrong Terrorizes Hilly Hundred Riders
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    Unhinged, Unregistered Lance Armstrong Terrorizes Hilly Hundred Riders

    ELLETTSVILLE, IN – An annual leisurely autumn ride through the rolling hills of Southern Indiana turned into bedlam this weekend when unregistered participant and disgraced cycling legend Lance Armstrong crashed the Hilly Hundred, aggressively overtaking riders and leaving chaos and casualties in his wake. Witnesses say Armstrong appeared “wild-eyed, glistening, and disturbingly vascular,” wearing his…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Ghost Adventures Crew No Match for Coach Knight
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    Ghost Adventures Crew No Match for Coach Knight

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – An episode of a popular paranormal show was cut short when the crew inadvertently summoned the angry spirit of legendary coach Bob Knight who proceeded to berate the team for their lack of fundamentals and preparation. Ghost Adventures is a long-running program that follows host Zak Bagans and his squad of investigators…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Bob Seger Recalls Writing Hit ‘Night Moves’ at Night Moves
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    Bob Seger Recalls Writing Hit ‘Night Moves’ at Night Moves

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Legendary rocker Bob Seger took time during a recent interview to talk about how he wrote one of his classic hits at a Bloomington gentlemen’s club. Seger was immensely popular in the 70’s and 80’s, selling over 75 million albums worldwide. One of his most famous songs was actually written in Bloomington…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Sage Steele Spends Entire IU Trustees Meeting Hawking Ivermectin
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    Sage Steele Spends Entire IU Trustees Meeting Hawking Ivermectin

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Indiana University Trustee Sage Steele reportedly upended a recent Board of Trustees meeting with an endless rant about the merits of Ivermectin and shaming the media and Big Pharma for lying to the American people. Steele, who was controversially appointed by Governor Mike Braun, effectively filibustered by standing and speaking about the…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Mellencamp Admits ‘Pink Houses’ Really About Boyhood Obsession with Barbie

    Mellencamp Admits ‘Pink Houses’ Really About Boyhood Obsession with Barbie

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – It was a stunning revelation that sent shockwaves from Seymour to Hollywood. Indiana legend and Rock and Roll Hall of Famer John Mellencamp told an audience in Bloomington that his massive 1983 hit ‘Pink Houses’ was not written about rural, small town American dreams and struggles, but rather, he penned it as…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Bartender Begs Jesse Eisenberg to Stop Explaining Zombieland Rules
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    Bartender Begs Jesse Eisenberg to Stop Explaining Zombieland Rules

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — Actor Jesse Eisenberg was escorted out of The Upstairs Pub after reportedly spending several hours explaining the Zombieland movie “rules for survival” to increasingly confused patrons. Eisenberg, who moved to Bloomington with his wife, a native Hoosier, enjoys the occasional night out. He can often be seen at Nick’s or Alley Bar…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • IU Limits Free Speech to One Phone Call from Jail
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    IU Limits Free Speech to One Phone Call from Jail

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Indiana University leadership has made a controversial change to its Expressive Activity Policy. IU now defines Free Speech for all present on campus grounds as the one free phone call from jail following an arrest for participating in any form of protest or defiance. The new rule states that those arrested for…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • WonderLab Skink Norbert, GEICO Gecko Announce Engagement
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    WonderLab Skink Norbert, GEICO Gecko Announce Engagement

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – It was a wonderful scene at WonderLab as longtime resident Norbert, a blue-tongued skink, and the world famous GEICO Gecko publicly announced their engagement. The event marks the end of an era. For years, Gecko has been dogged by headlines linking him to a string of high-profile romances. A turbulent tryst with…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • MoCo Humane Society in Hot Water for FB Marketplace Listings

    MoCo Humane Society in Hot Water for FB Marketplace Listings

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – In a bold cost-cutting move, the Monroe County Humane Society announced this week that all future adoptions will be processed through Facebook Marketplace. Officials say the change reflects a modern approach to animal placement and a desire to meet the community where they already scroll. “We tried Petfinder. We tried our own…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Guerrilla Journalist Catches ‘Farm Stop Collective’ Abusing Alfalfa Sprouts

    Guerrilla Journalist Catches ‘Farm Stop Collective’ Abusing Alfalfa Sprouts

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – In a scandal shaking the local produce co-op community to its core, shocking undercover footage has surfaced showing workers at the Farm Stop Collective aggressively misting and threatening captive alfalfa sprouts. The exposé, captured by a self-described “guerrilla truth-teller” has ignited outrage across the city. The grainy, body-cam style footage shows a…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Tri-North Teacher Suspended for JFK Quote in Facebook Bio
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    Tri-North Teacher Suspended for JFK Quote in Facebook Bio

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A beloved Tri-North Middle School teacher was placed on administrative leave this week after state officials discovered a quote from John F. Kennedy in her Facebook bio. The quote, “Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country,” was deemed by Attorney General…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Trump Vows to Purge DC of “Woke” Bloomington Limestone

    Trump Vows to Purge DC of “Woke” Bloomington Limestone

    WASHINGTON, DC – President Trump continues his crusade to rid the nation of “woke-ism” and is now focusing his attention on limestone from Bloomington used to construct many iconic D.C. monuments and structures. Bloomington area limestone, also known as Salem Limestone, is defined by its unique composition of cemented shell debris and is heralded the…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Holographic Earnhardt Straight Up Crushing at Bloomington Speedway
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    Holographic Earnhardt Straight Up Crushing at Bloomington Speedway

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Virtual Dale, Real Intimidation. An AI-generated and operated hologram of Dale Earnhardt has been leaving the competition in digital dust at the historic Bloomington Speedway. The Speedway became the world’s first racetrack to allow a non-human, artificial intelligence entity to drive a car in competition. “Dale” is powered by a single NVIDIA…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • 5-Star Interdimensional Power Forward Bursts Through Transfer Portal

    5-Star Interdimensional Power Forward Bursts Through Transfer Portal

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – In what analysts are calling the boldest move of the Transfer Portal era, Indiana University secured the commitment of a 6’10’’ power forward who shredded the fabric of space and time in front of a sold out Assembly Hall crowd. New Head Coach Darian DeVries is starting his first season at IU…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Mayors of Flavortown, Bloomington Establish Diplomatic Ties at Hinkle’s Hamburgers
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    Mayors of Flavortown, Bloomington Establish Diplomatic Ties at Hinkle’s Hamburgers

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – In the first step toward normalizing economic relations, Bloomington Mayor Kerry Thomson and Guy Fieri, the Mayor of Flavortown, sat down for a casual lunch at local favorite Hinkle’s Hamburgers. Mayor Fieri has long sought a formal partnership with Bloomington, praising the vibe and the long list of “out of bounds” taverns…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Kleindorfer’s Rebrand Leans Into Germanic Pagan Roots

    Kleindorfer’s Rebrand Leans Into Germanic Pagan Roots

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A favorite local business celebrated a ‘Grand Reopening’ and unveiled a branding refresh that embraces its past connection to Paganism in Germany. Kleindorfer’s Hardware and Variety Store has been a Bloomington institution since 1964, though the namesake family has a long history of entrepreneurship dating back hundreds of years. Dietrich Kleindorfer, the…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • IU Health Surplus Store Selling Refurbished Sternum Saws

    IU Health Surplus Store Selling Refurbished Sternum Saws

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – The recently opened IU Health Surplus Store is now offering gently used and refurbished surgical sternum saws as part of an effort to make room for new inventory. IU Health is faced with excess stock of used hospital tools and materials that can no longer be certified for future operation. Leadership looked…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Divorced Dads Drive CrossFit Surge Ahead of IU Parents Weekend
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    Divorced Dads Drive CrossFit Surge Ahead of IU Parents Weekend

    FISHERS, IN – CrossFit gyms across the state have seen explosive growth in membership driven almost exclusively by divorced men whipping their ever-aging bodies into peak physical condition ahead of Indiana University Parents Weekend. The CrossFit community has come to expect the annual uptick in divorcee motivation, even dubbing the surge “Temporary Visitation.” Parents Weekend…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Mayor Declares Bloomington Exotic Animal Sanctuary City
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    Mayor Declares Bloomington Exotic Animal Sanctuary City

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Mayor Kerry Thomson proudly signed a formal declaration designating Bloomington as the Nation’s first Exotic Animal Sanctuary City. City officials have been deliberating ways to offer protections for the vulnerable in the wake of a 2024 statewide ban on sanctuary cities meant for undocumented immigrants. It was determined that the best use…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Council Ditches ‘Sister City’ Palo Alto, Decries Gender Specific Nature of Title

    Council Ditches ‘Sister City’ Palo Alto, Decries Gender Specific Nature of Title

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – The Bloomington City Council voted unanimously to end the 4-year old Sister City relationship with Palo Alto, California after outcry over the predilection of the title. Councillors allowed all eight members of the public present at the meeting to remonstrate prior to the vote. “This stops here, and it stops now,” said…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • IU Hires Burt Bignetti to Turnaround Struggling Basketball Program

    IU Hires Burt Bignetti to Turnaround Struggling Basketball Program

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — Indiana University formally announced the hiring of Burt Bignetti as the new head coach of the men’s basketball program, signaling a decisive cultural reset for a team administrators acknowledged has lost its edge and identity. Bignetti, a first-time basketball head coach with what the university described as a “proven championship temperament,” was…

    Kirk Woodlawn

  • Unhinged, Unregistered Lance Armstrong Terrorizes Hilly Hundred Riders

  • Cuban Brings ‘Shark Tank Live’ to IU with Tragic, Predictable Results

  • Disheveled Nicolas Cage Seen Leaping from IU Archives Balcony, Clutching Scroll

  • Rival Vintners Seize, Destroy Oliver Winery Vineyard in Savage Challenge to Long-Held Power

  • Townie, Student Secretly Rendezvous Like Modern Day Montague and Capulet

  • School of Informatics Students Suspended for Brutally Hazing AI Humanoids

  • Pure Terror at Spencer’s Gifts as Bride of Chucky Box Found Empty

  • Bloomington South Students Build Homes They Will Only Ever See as DoorDash Drivers

  • AI Used to Recreate the Fatal Elvis Shit

  • Rebranded IDS Print Reinstated as President Whitten Named Editor-in-Chief

  • Mayor Vows to Annex Nashville

  • Ellettsville Volunteer Firefighters Charity Calendar Raises $0.00

  • Mendoza Inks Lucrative Deal with Durex

  • Anti-Capitalist Puts Protest Supplies on Dad’s Credit Card

  • Hank Ruff One Slur Away From Country Music Stardom

  • Viscous Personal Attacks Primed for ‘Freshman 15’ Jokes

  • Bostonian Born Again Upon Introduction to Euchre

  • Planned Parenthood Mistakenly Buys 2,000 IEDs

  • Che Guevara Shirt to be Worn at Family Christmas to ‘Skip the Small Talk’

  • On-Again, Off-Again Dad Blames No Chimney for No Presents

  • Mendoza Gears Up for Rose Bowl by Binging ‘Little House on the Prairie’

  • Hoosier the Bison Reunites with Herd En Route to Rose Bowl

  • BPD: It’s So Awesome, but Don’t Discharge Weapons at Sky Tonight

  • ICE Halts Rose Bowl to Detain Cuban-American Mendoza

  • Nick’s Upstairs Finally Collapses 14 years After the ‘Wat Shot’

  • 420 Bloomington Pulls ‘Fiesta Bowls’ After Accusations of Cultural Appropriation

  • Assembly Hall Watch Party Nixed, Officials Blame ‘Loser Energy’

  • Mendoza Gives Fiery Pregame Speech on Tax Advantages of a Roth IRA

  • Ghost Adventures Crew No Match for Coach Knight

  • Bob Seger Recalls Writing Hit ‘Night Moves’ at Night Moves

  • Sage Steele Spends Entire IU Trustees Meeting Hawking Ivermectin

  • Mellencamp Admits ‘Pink Houses’ Really About Boyhood Obsession with Barbie

  • Bartender Begs Jesse Eisenberg to Stop Explaining Zombieland Rules

  • IU Limits Free Speech to One Phone Call from Jail

  • WonderLab Skink Norbert, GEICO Gecko Announce Engagement

  • MoCo Humane Society in Hot Water for FB Marketplace Listings

  • Guerrilla Journalist Catches ‘Farm Stop Collective’ Abusing Alfalfa Sprouts

  • Tri-North Teacher Suspended for JFK Quote in Facebook Bio

  • Trump Vows to Purge DC of “Woke” Bloomington Limestone

  • Holographic Earnhardt Straight Up Crushing at Bloomington Speedway

  • 5-Star Interdimensional Power Forward Bursts Through Transfer Portal

  • Mayors of Flavortown, Bloomington Establish Diplomatic Ties at Hinkle’s Hamburgers

  • Kleindorfer’s Rebrand Leans Into Germanic Pagan Roots

  • IU Health Surplus Store Selling Refurbished Sternum Saws

  • Divorced Dads Drive CrossFit Surge Ahead of IU Parents Weekend

  • Mayor Declares Bloomington Exotic Animal Sanctuary City

  • Council Ditches ‘Sister City’ Palo Alto, Decries Gender Specific Nature of Title

  • IU Hires Burt Bignetti to Turnaround Struggling Basketball Program

  • Buskirk-Chumley to Raffle Tickets for Seat Next to Lauren Boebert

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A storied playhouse is promoting a ticket raffle for a chance to sit next to a Congresswoman who recently made news as an eager exhibitionist at a sold out Colorado theater. Lauren Boebert has represented the Colorado residents of US House District Three since 2021. She has been a controversial figure, often…

  • Che Guevara Shirt to be Worn at Family Thanksgiving to Skip the Small Talk

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – An IU Sophomore intends to preempt the performative niceties of family Thanksgiving and jump right into the annual political bomb throwing. Braden Armstrong has decided to don a Che Guevara shirt to the extended family holiday dinner table just to get the fireworks started early. Guevara was an Argentinian Marxist and revolutionary…

  • Kenyan Students Look to Dominate IU Dance Marathon

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – The annual IU Dance Marathon is just around the corner, but for a group of students from Kenya, it cannot come any sooner. The Kenyan Cohort has spent the last year on a strict training regimen, often staying up for days at a time to ensure their dance stamina is world class.…

  • Freshman Tells Roommate How Morrison and Cobain Wrote ‘Let It Be’

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – IU freshmen roommates were getting to know each other when the subject turned to prolific co-writers Kurt Cobain and Jim Morrison. Bart Collins and Heath Porter had not met until move-in day. As they sat in their room at Briscoe, they talked about music and some of their favorite artists. “For me,…

  • Planned Parenthood Mistakenly Buys 2,000 IEDs

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A local family planning organization inadvertently purchased thousands of explosives instead of a common contraception apparatus. Planned Parenthood has long been a mainstay in the community for issues such as pregnancy testing, safe sex measures, sexually transmitted infection testing, and contraception. The organization offers low to no cost options for family planning,…

  • Shadow Seen on Walk of Shame Means Two More Weeks of Antibiotics

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A local bartender saw his shadow on a walk home after a late and eventful evening signaling the need for an additional prescription. Marcus Ramey spent a night out with friends before going home with a fellow partygoer to continue the good time. “Man, that night was insane,” said Ramey. “My boys…

  • Xavier Johnson Inks Lucrative NIL Deal with Durex

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Veteran Indiana Basketball guard Xavier Johnson has partnered with condom and lubricant titan Durex in a first of its kind NIL deal. Johnson told members of the media that the optics of the partnership checks two important boxes. “For me, it’s important to be a voice for safe sex, especially as a…

  • Morning Walk Past 3rd Street Fraternities Reminiscent of Jonestown

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Those out for a Sunday morning campus stroll discovered a disturbing scene of lawns littered with seemingly lifeless bodies. Fraternity row at Indiana University mostly exists on East 3rd Street where the houses are fronted by large yards extending to out to the sidewalk. “It really is a nice street to walk…

  • Pence Criticizes IU Kinsey Institute with Full-On Erection

    COLUMBUS, IN – Former Vice President Mike Pence spoke at a rally in his hometown where he decried the work of the Indiana University Kinsey Institute while sporting an obvious boner. Pence attended an event to support local GOP candidates when he took the opportunity to condemn the sexually-forward research of the world renown Kinsey…

  • VH1 Behind the Music Probes Straight No Chaser Drug Use, Promiscuity

    NEW YORK, NY – VH1 is set to air a Behind the Music episode that focuses on the stunning excesses of popular Bloomington-based a capella group, Straight No Chaser. Straight No Chaser started on the campus of Indiana University in 1996. Since their formation, the group signed a major label deal with Atlantic Records and…

  • New Unionville Baptists Rally to Rename I-69, Citing Indecency

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Members of the New Unionville Baptist Church have had enough with the name of a key Indiana thoroughfare. The Church marched alongside Interstate I-69 in protest of what they view as a public display of perversion. “The highway is an abomination,” said church member Adam Lowe. “The name is a euphemism for…

  • Sink the Biz Blamed for Hand, Foot, and Mouth Outbreak

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A popular drinking game that involves participants sharing a communal metal beer bucket is likely responsible for a rash of hand, foot, and mouth cases. At Nick’s English Hut, patrons often elect to play a game called Sink the Biz. The goal of the game is to pour your beer into a…

  • Mellencamp Blames Meg Ryan Split on Her Performance in ‘You’ve Got Mail’

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Famed rocker John Mellencamp is speaking out about his breakup with actress Meg Ryan. Mellencamp sat down for an interview with Rolling Stone and criticized Ryan’s role in the hit 90’s movie ‘You’ve Got Mail.’ “She was just awful,” said Mellencamp. “Fair or not, every time I looked at Meg all I…

  • Runcible Spoon Outed as Host of Underground Fight Club

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A favorite local restaurant has now been identified as the site of an infamous surreptitious fight club. The long search for the bare-knuckle boxing ring is now over. The Bloomington Police Department received an anonymous tip that beloved eatery Runcible Spoon has been hosting a fight club for years. “A former employee…

  • First 1,000 Fans to Receive Cignetti Autographed Pack of Marlboro Reds

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Coach Curt Cignetti took the college football world by storm last season. In his first year, the Hoosiers went from a three-win afterthought to a College Football Playoff appearance. “Coach Cig” has brought energy and belief to a fanbase that had all but given up on the dream of competing for a…

  • IU Now Down to One Major

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – The IU Board of Trustees approved yet another round of cuts to academic degree and certificate programs. This time, scaling back to just one area of study. Effective July of 2025, the Trustees voted to cut or consolidate nearly 400 degree programs. The slashed programs represented around one-fifth of all academic offerings.…

  • MeatEater Crew Kills, Field Dresses Hoosier the Bison

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – It was a tragic and gruesome sight. A day fans and foes alike will never forget. During halftime of the Indiana Hoosier Football home opener, Hoosier the Bison reintroduced himself as the official IU Sports mascot after nearly a 60-year hiatus. Hoosier parachuted onto the 50-yard line to raucous applause from thousands…

  • BPD, IUPD Feud Over Sample Gates Jurisdiction

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Two local rival police departments continue to square off over the ownership of an iconic fixture that defines both the community and Indiana University. Leadership with the Bloomington Police Department and the IU Police Department remain at an impasse as to which department has patrol and crime enforcement jurisdiction for the Sample…

  • Pledge Leaves Illinois Dispensary Like Indentured Columbian Drug Mule

    DANVILLE, IL – A prospective Phi Delt was seen leaving the Sunnyside Cannabis Dispensary a hot, sweaty mess en route to the Indiana border. Chad Jackson was dispatched by the Phi Delta Theta Recruitment Chair to procure THC products from the neighboring state as they remain illegal in Indiana. “I told him how much was…

  • Local Russians, Ukrainians Set Aside Differences to Honor Rasputin

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Two communities torn apart by war half the world away came together to peacefully celebrate the life of the legendary peasant mystic, Rasputin. Bloomington is home to thousands of residents of Russian and Ukrainian heritage. The late 19th century oppression by the Russian Empire and a lack of regional economic opportunities brought…

  • ICE Deports Entire IU Latino Studies Program

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Federal Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agents raided several IU campus classrooms, rounding up all students, professors, and staff associated with the Latino Studies Program. The mass arrests were the result of a new Trump administration policy directive stating that anyone studying or teaching in disciplines that focus on “undesirable foreign countries” are…

  • IU Hires Burt Bignetti to Turnaround Struggling Basketball Program

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — Indiana University formally announced the hiring of Burt Bignetti as the new head coach of the men’s basketball program, signaling a decisive cultural reset for a team administrators acknowledged has lost its edge and identity. Bignetti, a first-time basketball head coach with what the university described as a “proven championship temperament,” was…

MIAMI, FL – Moments before taking the field for the National Championship, Fernando Mendoza delivered what teammates described as the most aggressively responsible pregame speech in college football history—an impassioned, 11-minute breakdown of the long-term tax advantages of a Roth IRA. According to players present in the locker room, Mendoza emerged from behind his locker…

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