Limestone Ledger

Inside Baseball for a Basketball Town™

Latest

  • Mendoza Gives Fiery Pregame Speech on Tax Advantages of a Roth IRA

    Mendoza Gives Fiery Pregame Speech on Tax Advantages of a Roth IRA

    MIAMI, FL – Moments before taking the field for the National Championship, Fernando Mendoza delivered what teammates described as the most aggressively responsible pregame speech in college football history—an impassioned, 11-minute breakdown of the long-term tax advantages of a Roth IRA. According to players present in the locker room, Mendoza emerged from behind his locker…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Assembly Hall Watch Party Nixed, Officials Blame ‘Loser Energy’
    , ,

    Assembly Hall Watch Party Nixed, Officials Blame ‘Loser Energy’

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Just days after tickets sold out for what was expected to be a raucous football national championship watch party, officials at Indiana University abruptly canceled the event, citing mounting concerns that the venue’s current “loser energy” could negatively affect the outcome of the game. The watch party was scheduled to take place…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • 420 Bloomington Pulls ‘Fiesta Bowls’ After Accusations of Cultural Appropriation
    ,

    420 Bloomington Pulls ‘Fiesta Bowls’ After Accusations of Cultural Appropriation

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A well-intentioned attempt to honor Indiana University football’s appearance in the Fiesta Bowl devolved into a familiar cycle of outrage, apology, and brisk retail activity this week after 420 Bloomington unveiled a limited-edition line of glass smoking accessories branded as “Fiesta Bowls.” The promotion, announced Monday morning via a hand-written sign and…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Nick’s Upstairs Finally Collapses 14 years After the ‘Wat Shot’
    ,

    Nick’s Upstairs Finally Collapses 14 years After the ‘Wat Shot’

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — The upstairs floor at Nick’s English Hut collapsed early Sunday morning, an event city officials now say can be traced to the December 10, 2011 Indiana–Kentucky basketball game and Christian Watford’s last second, game-winning three-pointer. The collapse occurred at approximately 1:43 a.m. No serious injuries were reported. “This was not a sudden…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • ICE Halts Rose Bowl to Detain Cuban-American Mendoza
    , ,

    ICE Halts Rose Bowl to Detain Cuban-American Mendoza

    PASADENA, CA — The Rose Bowl fell silent after Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents entered the field mid-drive and detained Indiana quarterback Fernando Mendoza, an American citizen, in what officials described as a routine, precautionary, patriotic enforcement action. The stoppage occurred without warning. No flags were thrown. No announcement was made. Agents simply walked past…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • BPD: It’s So Awesome, but Don’t Discharge Weapons at Sky Tonight
    ,

    BPD: It’s So Awesome, but Don’t Discharge Weapons at Sky Tonight

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — In a press conference that was equal parts Midwestern restraint and colorfully profane, Bloomington Police Chief Mike Diekhoff delivered his annual New Year’s Eve public safety message from the steps of City Hall this afternoon. Flanked by table of confiscated noisemakers, Chief Diekhoff leaned into the microphone and spoke from the heart.…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Hoosier the Bison Reunites with Herd En Route to Rose Bowl

    Hoosier the Bison Reunites with Herd En Route to Rose Bowl

    CUSTER STATE PARK, SD – Indiana University officials confirmed Monday that Hoosier the Bison, the beloved costumed mascot of IU athletics, has temporarily stalled in rural South Dakota after reportedly wandering off to reunite with his biological herd while traveling to the Rose Bowl festivities. The mascot, last seen chewing thoughtfully on prairie grass, is…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Mendoza Gears Up for Rose Bowl by Binging ‘Little House on the Prairie’
    ,

    Mendoza Gears Up for Rose Bowl by Binging ‘Little House on the Prairie’

    PASADENA, CA — As teammates filtered out of the team hotel in search of trendy restaurants, nightlife, and something approximating a personality reset before the biggest game of their lives, Indiana quarterback Fernando Mendoza reportedly returned to his room, brewed a cup of herbal tea, and pressed play on Season 4 of ‘Little House on…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • On-Again, Off-Again Dad Blames No Chimney for No Presents
    ,

    On-Again, Off-Again Dad Blames No Chimney for No Presents

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — Paternity test proven father Mark Reynolds, 44, expressed sincere sympathy for his children’s disappointment Christmas morning after explaining that no presents arrived due to what he described as a well-documented Santa access issue stemming from the absence of a chimney in his rental home. “I completely get why you’d be upset,” Reynolds…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Che Guevara Shirt to be Worn at Family Christmas to ‘Skip the Small Talk’
    ,

    Che Guevara Shirt to be Worn at Family Christmas to ‘Skip the Small Talk’

    WHITELAND, IN — Home for the holidays and feeling militant, 19-year-old IU sophomore Ethan McCullough reportedly laid out his Che Guevara shirt on his childhood bed Saturday night like a soldier prepping tactical gear. The shirt, a faded, thrift-store red with a cracked, off-center stencil of the Marxist revolutionary, will serve as Ethan’s primary communication…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Planned Parenthood Mistakenly Buys 2,000 IEDs
    ,

    Planned Parenthood Mistakenly Buys 2,000 IEDs

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — A clerical error of historic proportions rocked the Bloomington Planned Parenthood Tuesday after staff discovered that their long-awaited shipment of 2,000 IUDs was, in fact, 2,000 IEDs. According to internal sources, the supply manager placed the order using a notoriously glitchy online medical portal that repeatedly autocorrected “IUD” to “IED,” a problem…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Bostonian Born Again Upon Introduction to Euchre
    ,

    Bostonian Born Again Upon Introduction to Euchre

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — First-year IU grad student and Boston native Liam Donnelly reportedly underwent what campus officials are calling a “profound cultural assimilation event” after being introduced to the card game Euchre during a Friday night gathering in a campus-adjacent garage. Classmates say Donnelly, who moved to Bloomington two months ago to pursue a master’s…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Viscous Personal Attacks Primed for ‘Freshman 15’ Jokes
    , ,

    Viscous Personal Attacks Primed for ‘Freshman 15’ Jokes

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — As Thanksgiving break approaches, thousands of IU freshmen are preparing to return to their hometowns, where extended family members are locked and loaded to comment on any evidence of the fabled ‘Freshman 15’ weight gain. Across Indiana, aunts, uncles, and grandparents are reportedly rehearsing passive-aggressive commentary designed to target students’ self-esteem with…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Hank Ruff One Slur Away From Country Music Stardom
    ,

    Hank Ruff One Slur Away From Country Music Stardom

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — Local country crooner Hank Ruff, the 25-year-old pride of Southern Indiana, is reportedly one well-timed racial slur away from becoming a country music sensation, according to sources close to the singer. Ruff, whose biggest hit to date is “Tailgate Tacos,” has spent the past year perfecting what industry insiders call the “Wallen…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Anti-Capitalist Puts Protest Supplies on Dad’s Credit Card
    , , ,

    Anti-Capitalist Puts Protest Supplies on Dad’s Credit Card

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — A local anti-capitalist activist and sustainability studies major announced Monday that he “rejects the oppressive capitalist machine in all its forms,” moments before handing his father’s Chase Sapphire Preferred card to a cashier at Goods for Cooks. Witnesses say Arlo Whitford, 21, spent nearly an hour loudly condemning corporate greed, institutional power…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Mendoza Inks Lucrative Deal with Durex
    , ,

    Mendoza Inks Lucrative Deal with Durex

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Indiana University star quarterback Fernando Mendoza, who has become a household name for his explosive play and boy-next-door appeal, has officially signed an NIL deal with Durex, making him the first collegiate athlete in history to represent a major condom brand. Reportedly the largest sexual health NIL contract in the NCAA, the…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Ellettsville Volunteer Firefighters Charity Calendar Raises $0.00
    ,

    Ellettsville Volunteer Firefighters Charity Calendar Raises $0.00

    ELLETTSVILLE, IN – The Ellettsville Volunteer Fire Department’s much-anticipated 2026 charity calendar has raised a total of zero dollars, officials confirmed at a press conference held inside the station Thursday morning. Department leadership, backed by E.V.F.D. insignia and an unplugged microphone, presented the glossy twelve-month calendar with mournful pride. The calendar, titled Blaze of Glory,…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Mayor Vows to Annex Nashville
    , ,

    Mayor Vows to Annex Nashville

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A defiant Mayor Kerry Thomson unveiled a bold regional vision for cultural unification, pledging to annex the Town of Nashville. Standing before a backdrop reading “One Region, One Tax Base,” Thomson described the move as necessary, tangible progress and promised Nashville residents that they would soon enjoy the benefits of modern governance…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Rebranded IDS Print Reinstated as President Whitten Named Editor-in-Chief
    ,

    Rebranded IDS Print Reinstated as President Whitten Named Editor-in-Chief

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – After weeks of backlash over Indiana University’s decision to discontinue the print edition of the Indiana Daily Student, the university announced Monday that the paper will return to print — under the direct editorial leadership of IU President Pamela Whitten. Calling the move a bold commitment to journalistic freedom within appropriate administrative…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • AI Used to Recreate the Fatal Elvis Shit
    ,

    AI Used to Recreate the Fatal Elvis Shit

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – In what administrators are calling both a technological milestone and a regrettable lapse in academic supervision, a team of Ivy Tech Community College students has unveiled an artificial intelligence model that digitally recreates the precise conditions of Elvis Presley’s death. The semester-long project, titled “The Final Movement: A Nueral Reconstruction of the…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Bloomington South Students Build Homes They Will Only Ever See as DoorDash Drivers
    ,

    Bloomington South Students Build Homes They Will Only Ever See as DoorDash Drivers

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — Bloomington High School South leadership unveiled the latest milestone of their renowned construction trades program this week: a newly finished single-family home on the city’s south side. The finished structure is expected to enter the market at “a modest, starter-family price point” of $1,100,000. Students were invited to pose proudly in the…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Pure Terror at Spencer’s Gifts as Bride of Chucky Box Found Empty
    , ,

    Pure Terror at Spencer’s Gifts as Bride of Chucky Box Found Empty

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — Chaos and confusion swept through College Mall after employees at Spencer’s Gifts discovered a ‘Bride of Chucky’ doll display box had been torn open “from the inside,” prompting an immediate mall-wide lockdown and frantic search for what staff are now calling “an active possessed situation.” The discovery was made shortly after 10:00…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • School of Informatics Students Suspended for Brutally Hazing AI Humanoids

    School of Informatics Students Suspended for Brutally Hazing AI Humanoids

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — Indiana University’s Luddy School of Informatics has suspended four students and mandated university-wide empathy training after officials concluded a months-long investigation into reports of cruel and demeaning treatment of humanoid artificial intelligence prototypes in a graduate-level robotics seminar. According to an internal disciplinary report obtained by Limestone Ledger, students in the “Human-Robot…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Townie, Student Secretly Rendezvous Like Modern Day Montague and Capulet

    Townie, Student Secretly Rendezvous Like Modern Day Montague and Capulet

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — In a story that has quietly scandalized both sides of the B-Line, sources confirm that a Monroe County townie and an Indiana University undergraduate have been meeting in secret at the Video Saloon, attempting to keep their burgeoning romance hidden from friends, coworkers, and, most importantly, their respective social ecosystems. According to…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Rival Vintners Seize, Destroy Oliver Winery Vineyard in Savage Challenge to Long-Held Power
    ,

    Rival Vintners Seize, Destroy Oliver Winery Vineyard in Savage Challenge to Long-Held Power

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — What began as whispers in the tasting rooms and barrel houses of southern Indiana’s wine country has erupted into a full-scale viticultural insurgency as a coalition of rival wineries, long simmering under the shadow of Oliver Winery’s regional dominance, executed a coordinated dawn raid on the vineyard’s sprawling estate. The Merlot-fueled marauders…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Disheveled Nicolas Cage Seen Leaping from IU Archives Balcony, Clutching Scroll

    Disheveled Nicolas Cage Seen Leaping from IU Archives Balcony, Clutching Scroll

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Students and staff at Indiana University were left stunned after witnesses reported seeing actor Nicolas Cage vaulting from the second-floor balcony of the IU Archives while gripping what appeared to be an ancient scroll. According to campus officials, the ‘National Treasure’ star had been in Bloomington for what his publicist described as…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Cuban Brings ‘Shark Tank Live’ to IU with Tragic, Predictable Results
    ,

    Cuban Brings ‘Shark Tank Live’ to IU with Tragic, Predictable Results

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Billionaire alumnus Mark Cuban hosted a live show of the hit television program ‘Shark Tank’ at the IU Auditorium featuring unwitting student contestants dropped into an actual great white shark tank if their business proposals were rejected. The outcome was as horrifying as it was one-hundred percent foreseeable. Cuban previously co-hosted ‘Shark…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Unhinged, Unregistered Lance Armstrong Terrorizes Hilly Hundred Riders
    , ,

    Unhinged, Unregistered Lance Armstrong Terrorizes Hilly Hundred Riders

    ELLETTSVILLE, IN – An annual leisurely autumn ride through the rolling hills of Southern Indiana turned into bedlam this weekend when unregistered participant and disgraced cycling legend Lance Armstrong crashed the Hilly Hundred, aggressively overtaking riders and leaving chaos and casualties in his wake. Witnesses say Armstrong appeared “wild-eyed, glistening, and disturbingly vascular,” wearing his…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Ghost Adventures Crew No Match for Coach Knight
    ,

    Ghost Adventures Crew No Match for Coach Knight

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – An episode of a popular paranormal show was cut short when the crew inadvertently summoned the angry spirit of legendary coach Bob Knight who proceeded to berate the team for their lack of fundamentals and preparation. Ghost Adventures is a long-running program that follows host Zak Bagans and his squad of investigators…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Bob Seger Recalls Writing Hit ‘Night Moves’ at Night Moves
    ,

    Bob Seger Recalls Writing Hit ‘Night Moves’ at Night Moves

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Legendary rocker Bob Seger took time during a recent interview to talk about how he wrote one of his classic hits at a Bloomington gentlemen’s club. Seger was immensely popular in the 70’s and 80’s, selling over 75 million albums worldwide. One of his most famous songs was actually written in Bloomington…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Sage Steele Spends Entire IU Trustees Meeting Hawking Ivermectin
    ,

    Sage Steele Spends Entire IU Trustees Meeting Hawking Ivermectin

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Indiana University Trustee Sage Steele reportedly upended a recent Board of Trustees meeting with an endless rant about the merits of Ivermectin and shaming the media and Big Pharma for lying to the American people. Steele, who was controversially appointed by Governor Mike Braun, effectively filibustered by standing and speaking about the…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Mellencamp Admits ‘Pink Houses’ Really About Boyhood Obsession with Barbie

    Mellencamp Admits ‘Pink Houses’ Really About Boyhood Obsession with Barbie

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – It was a stunning revelation that sent shockwaves from Seymour to Hollywood. Indiana legend and Rock and Roll Hall of Famer John Mellencamp told an audience in Bloomington that his massive 1983 hit ‘Pink Houses’ was not written about rural, small town American dreams and struggles, but rather, he penned it as…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Bartender Begs Jesse Eisenberg to Stop Explaining Zombieland Rules
    , ,

    Bartender Begs Jesse Eisenberg to Stop Explaining Zombieland Rules

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — Actor Jesse Eisenberg was escorted out of The Upstairs Pub after reportedly spending several hours explaining the Zombieland movie “rules for survival” to increasingly confused patrons. Eisenberg, who moved to Bloomington with his wife, a native Hoosier, enjoys the occasional night out. He can often be seen at Nick’s or Alley Bar…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • IU Limits Free Speech to One Phone Call from Jail
    , ,

    IU Limits Free Speech to One Phone Call from Jail

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Indiana University leadership has made a controversial change to its Expressive Activity Policy. IU now defines Free Speech for all present on campus grounds as the one free phone call from jail following an arrest for participating in any form of protest or defiance. The new rule states that those arrested for…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • WonderLab Skink Norbert, GEICO Gecko Announce Engagement
    ,

    WonderLab Skink Norbert, GEICO Gecko Announce Engagement

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – It was a wonderful scene at WonderLab as longtime resident Norbert, a blue-tongued skink, and the world famous GEICO Gecko publicly announced their engagement. The event marks the end of an era. For years, Gecko has been dogged by headlines linking him to a string of high-profile romances. A turbulent tryst with…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • MoCo Humane Society in Hot Water for FB Marketplace Listings

    MoCo Humane Society in Hot Water for FB Marketplace Listings

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – In a bold cost-cutting move, the Monroe County Humane Society announced this week that all future adoptions will be processed through Facebook Marketplace. Officials say the change reflects a modern approach to animal placement and a desire to meet the community where they already scroll. “We tried Petfinder. We tried our own…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Guerrilla Journalist Catches ‘Farm Stop Collective’ Abusing Alfalfa Sprouts

    Guerrilla Journalist Catches ‘Farm Stop Collective’ Abusing Alfalfa Sprouts

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – In a scandal shaking the local produce co-op community to its core, shocking undercover footage has surfaced showing workers at the Farm Stop Collective aggressively misting and threatening captive alfalfa sprouts. The exposé, captured by a self-described “guerrilla truth-teller” has ignited outrage across the city. The grainy, body-cam style footage shows a…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Tri-North Teacher Suspended for JFK Quote in Facebook Bio
    ,

    Tri-North Teacher Suspended for JFK Quote in Facebook Bio

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A beloved Tri-North Middle School teacher was placed on administrative leave this week after state officials discovered a quote from John F. Kennedy in her Facebook bio. The quote, “Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country,” was deemed by Attorney General…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Trump Vows to Purge DC of “Woke” Bloomington Limestone

    Trump Vows to Purge DC of “Woke” Bloomington Limestone

    WASHINGTON, DC – President Trump continues his crusade to rid the nation of “woke-ism” and is now focusing his attention on limestone from Bloomington used to construct many iconic D.C. monuments and structures. Bloomington area limestone, also known as Salem Limestone, is defined by its unique composition of cemented shell debris and is heralded the…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Holographic Earnhardt Straight Up Crushing at Bloomington Speedway
    , ,

    Holographic Earnhardt Straight Up Crushing at Bloomington Speedway

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Virtual Dale, Real Intimidation. An AI-generated and operated hologram of Dale Earnhardt has been leaving the competition in digital dust at the historic Bloomington Speedway. The Speedway became the world’s first racetrack to allow a non-human, artificial intelligence entity to drive a car in competition. “Dale” is powered by a single NVIDIA…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • 5-Star Interdimensional Power Forward Bursts Through Transfer Portal

    5-Star Interdimensional Power Forward Bursts Through Transfer Portal

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – In what analysts are calling the boldest move of the Transfer Portal era, Indiana University secured the commitment of a 6’10’’ power forward who shredded the fabric of space and time in front of a sold out Assembly Hall crowd. New Head Coach Darian DeVries is starting his first season at IU…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Mayors of Flavortown, Bloomington Establish Diplomatic Ties at Hinkle’s Hamburgers
    ,

    Mayors of Flavortown, Bloomington Establish Diplomatic Ties at Hinkle’s Hamburgers

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – In the first step toward normalizing economic relations, Bloomington Mayor Kerry Thomson and Guy Fieri, the Mayor of Flavortown, sat down for a casual lunch at local favorite Hinkle’s Hamburgers. Mayor Fieri has long sought a formal partnership with Bloomington, praising the vibe and the long list of “out of bounds” taverns…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Kleindorfer’s Rebrand Leans Into Germanic Pagan Roots

    Kleindorfer’s Rebrand Leans Into Germanic Pagan Roots

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A favorite local business celebrated a ‘Grand Reopening’ and unveiled a branding refresh that embraces its past connection to Paganism in Germany. Kleindorfer’s Hardware and Variety Store has been a Bloomington institution since 1964, though the namesake family has a long history of entrepreneurship dating back hundreds of years. Dietrich Kleindorfer, the…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • IU Health Surplus Store Selling Refurbished Sternum Saws

    IU Health Surplus Store Selling Refurbished Sternum Saws

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – The recently opened IU Health Surplus Store is now offering gently used and refurbished surgical sternum saws as part of an effort to make room for new inventory. IU Health is faced with excess stock of used hospital tools and materials that can no longer be certified for future operation. Leadership looked…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Divorced Dads Drive CrossFit Surge Ahead of IU Parents Weekend
    ,

    Divorced Dads Drive CrossFit Surge Ahead of IU Parents Weekend

    FISHERS, IN – CrossFit gyms across the state have seen explosive growth in membership driven almost exclusively by divorced men whipping their ever-aging bodies into peak physical condition ahead of Indiana University Parents Weekend. The CrossFit community has come to expect the annual uptick in divorcee motivation, even dubbing the surge “Temporary Visitation.” Parents Weekend…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Mayor Declares Bloomington Exotic Animal Sanctuary City
    ,

    Mayor Declares Bloomington Exotic Animal Sanctuary City

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Mayor Kerry Thomson proudly signed a formal declaration designating Bloomington as the Nation’s first Exotic Animal Sanctuary City. City officials have been deliberating ways to offer protections for the vulnerable in the wake of a 2024 statewide ban on sanctuary cities meant for undocumented immigrants. It was determined that the best use…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • Council Ditches ‘Sister City’ Palo Alto, Decries Gender Specific Nature of Title

    Council Ditches ‘Sister City’ Palo Alto, Decries Gender Specific Nature of Title

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – The Bloomington City Council voted unanimously to end the 4-year old Sister City relationship with Palo Alto, California after outcry over the predilection of the title. Councillors allowed all eight members of the public present at the meeting to remonstrate prior to the vote. “This stops here, and it stops now,” said…

    Kirk Woodlawn
  • IU Hires Burt Bignetti to Turnaround Struggling Basketball Program

    IU Hires Burt Bignetti to Turnaround Struggling Basketball Program

    BLOOMINGTON, IN — Indiana University formally announced the hiring of Burt Bignetti as the new head coach of the men’s basketball program, signaling a decisive cultural reset for a team administrators acknowledged has lost its edge and identity. Bignetti, a first-time basketball head coach with what the university described as a “proven championship temperament,” was…

    Kirk Woodlawn

  • Council Ditches ‘Sister City’ Palo Alto, Decries Gender Specific Nature of Title

  • Mayor Declares Bloomington Exotic Animal Sanctuary City

  • Divorced Dads Drive CrossFit Surge Ahead of IU Parents Weekend

  • IU Health Surplus Store Selling Refurbished Sternum Saws

  • Kleindorfer’s Rebrand Leans Into Germanic Pagan Roots

  • Mayors of Flavortown, Bloomington Establish Diplomatic Ties at Hinkle’s Hamburgers

  • 5-Star Interdimensional Power Forward Bursts Through Transfer Portal

  • Holographic Earnhardt Straight Up Crushing at Bloomington Speedway

  • Trump Vows to Purge DC of “Woke” Bloomington Limestone

  • Tri-North Teacher Suspended for JFK Quote in Facebook Bio

  • Guerrilla Journalist Catches ‘Farm Stop Collective’ Abusing Alfalfa Sprouts

  • MoCo Humane Society in Hot Water for FB Marketplace Listings

  • WonderLab Skink Norbert, GEICO Gecko Announce Engagement

  • IU Limits Free Speech to One Phone Call from Jail

  • Bartender Begs Jesse Eisenberg to Stop Explaining Zombieland Rules

  • Mellencamp Admits ‘Pink Houses’ Really About Boyhood Obsession with Barbie

  • Sage Steele Spends Entire IU Trustees Meeting Hawking Ivermectin

  • Bob Seger Recalls Writing Hit ‘Night Moves’ at Night Moves

  • Ghost Adventures Crew No Match for Coach Knight

  • Mendoza Gives Fiery Pregame Speech on Tax Advantages of a Roth IRA

  • Assembly Hall Watch Party Nixed, Officials Blame ‘Loser Energy’

  • 420 Bloomington Pulls ‘Fiesta Bowls’ After Accusations of Cultural Appropriation

  • Nick’s Upstairs Finally Collapses 14 years After the ‘Wat Shot’

  • ICE Halts Rose Bowl to Detain Cuban-American Mendoza

  • BPD: It’s So Awesome, but Don’t Discharge Weapons at Sky Tonight

  • Hoosier the Bison Reunites with Herd En Route to Rose Bowl

  • Mendoza Gears Up for Rose Bowl by Binging ‘Little House on the Prairie’

  • On-Again, Off-Again Dad Blames No Chimney for No Presents

  • Che Guevara Shirt to be Worn at Family Christmas to ‘Skip the Small Talk’

  • Planned Parenthood Mistakenly Buys 2,000 IEDs

  • Bostonian Born Again Upon Introduction to Euchre

  • Viscous Personal Attacks Primed for ‘Freshman 15’ Jokes

  • Hank Ruff One Slur Away From Country Music Stardom

  • Anti-Capitalist Puts Protest Supplies on Dad’s Credit Card

  • Mendoza Inks Lucrative Deal with Durex

  • Ellettsville Volunteer Firefighters Charity Calendar Raises $0.00

  • Mayor Vows to Annex Nashville

  • Rebranded IDS Print Reinstated as President Whitten Named Editor-in-Chief

  • AI Used to Recreate the Fatal Elvis Shit

  • Bloomington South Students Build Homes They Will Only Ever See as DoorDash Drivers

  • Pure Terror at Spencer’s Gifts as Bride of Chucky Box Found Empty

  • School of Informatics Students Suspended for Brutally Hazing AI Humanoids

  • Townie, Student Secretly Rendezvous Like Modern Day Montague and Capulet

  • Rival Vintners Seize, Destroy Oliver Winery Vineyard in Savage Challenge to Long-Held Power

  • Disheveled Nicolas Cage Seen Leaping from IU Archives Balcony, Clutching Scroll

  • Cuban Brings ‘Shark Tank Live’ to IU with Tragic, Predictable Results

  • Unhinged, Unregistered Lance Armstrong Terrorizes Hilly Hundred Riders

  • Buskirk-Chumley to Raffle Tickets for Seat Next to Lauren Boebert

  • Che Guevara Shirt to be Worn at Family Thanksgiving to Skip the Small Talk

  • Kenyan Students Look to Dominate IU Dance Marathon

  • Freshman Tells Roommate How Morrison and Cobain Wrote ‘Let It Be’

  • Planned Parenthood Mistakenly Buys 2,000 IEDs

  • Shadow Seen on Walk of Shame Means Two More Weeks of Antibiotics

  • Xavier Johnson Inks Lucrative NIL Deal with Durex

  • Morning Walk Past 3rd Street Fraternities Reminiscent of Jonestown

  • Pence Criticizes IU Kinsey Institute with Full-On Erection

  • VH1 Behind the Music Probes Straight No Chaser Drug Use, Promiscuity

  • New Unionville Baptists Rally to Rename I-69, Citing Indecency

  • Sink the Biz Blamed for Hand, Foot, and Mouth Outbreak

  • Mellencamp Blames Meg Ryan Split on Her Performance in ‘You’ve Got Mail’

  • Runcible Spoon Outed as Host of Underground Fight Club

  • First 1,000 Fans to Receive Cignetti Autographed Pack of Marlboro Reds

  • IU Now Down to One Major

  • MeatEater Crew Kills, Field Dresses Hoosier the Bison

  • BPD, IUPD Feud Over Sample Gates Jurisdiction

  • Pledge Leaves Illinois Dispensary Like Indentured Columbian Drug Mule

  • Local Russians, Ukrainians Set Aside Differences to Honor Rasputin

  • ICE Deports Entire IU Latino Studies Program

  • Karen Held in Contempt of Food Court

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A ruling has been issued by College Mall officials admonishing behavior from a serial complainer and levying substantial penalties. Simon Mall administrators voted to hold Jennifer Baker in contempt of the food court after several dramatic outbursts left mall patrons and staff shocked and uneasy. “Ms. Baker has become an intolerable nuisance,”…

  • Lava Lamp Illuminates Futile Attempts to Undo Bra Strap

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – The luminescent glow of base lit paraffin wax filled a dark room where a struggling lover failed to remove the final impediment to unbridled intimacy. Aaron Hewett oft deploys a lava lamp with its disco blue hue to set the mood in the event of potential heavy petting, or even coitus. On…

  • Tent Citizens Share Needle Like Arid Desert Canteen

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Residents of the Seminary Park tent city were seen passing a heroin loaded syringe as if they had been stranded in the Mojave for days. Jonny “Treehouse” Carpenter and five fellow campers cooked up some China White and feverishly took turns mainlining the questionable yet perfectly suitable tent city delicacy. “Shit, feels…

  • Randy Quaid Cast in ‘Breaking Away 2’

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – 20th Century Fox announced a surprise sequel to the 1979 coming-of-age classic ‘Breaking Away’ that prominently featured Bloomington and Indiana University. In a stunning move, the studio has cast Randy Quaid in the lead role. Dennis Quaid, Randy’s brother, starred in the original film and garnered ample praise for his portrayal of…

  • Lilly King, Michael Phelps Welcome Web-Footed, Gilled Baby Girl

    INDIANAPOLIS, IN – The most awarded swimmers in human history celebrated the birth of a new baby girl who is sure to follow in the illustrious footsteps of her parents. Lilly King, the Indiana University phenom, and Michael Phelps shared pictures on social media of the baby, which was miraculously born with perfectly webbed feet…

  • Knight Asks Woodson What Player Needs a “Good Chokin’”

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Former Indiana University men’s basketball coach Bob Knight was overheard asking current head coach Mike Woodson if one of his players could use a “good old fashioned chokin’.” Knight often attends team practices to visit with Woodson, a former player of Coach Knight’s. At a recent practice, Knight appeared frustrated with the…

  • Tom Allen to Enter Transfer Portal

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Head Indiana football coach Tom Allen announced he’s ready for a fresh start. Following Saturday’s quadruple overtime battle with middling MAC program Akron, Allen seemed reluctant to discuss his job security. “Let’s call it what it is, it’s embarrassing,” lamented Allen. “Boos from the crowd, my house got TP’ed, my dog was…

  • IU Libertarians Protest Their Own Enrollment in Public University

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Students involved in the Libertarian Party at IU gathered in opposition of those studying at taxpayer funded institutions of higher learning, including themselves. The Libertarians were critical of public colleges and universities interfering in the free market of post-secondary education. “Enough is enough,” said IU Libertarian Jeremy Hinchcliffe. “I refuse to give…

  • Missing Student Found After Last Seen Plowing Through Fourth AMF

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – An IU student who had been reported missing and was last seen at a Kirkwood haunt known for a boozy blue cocktail has been found. Hannah Jones was enjoying a night out at The Upstairs Pub before her friends noticed she was not at their apartment the next morning. “This is not…

  • Dozens Crushed During Thrash Metal Set at Lotus Festival

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A music festival known for peace and tolerance turned violent as the raucous crowd wildly got out of control. The Lotus World Music and Arts Festival was celebrating its 30 year anniversary when a thrash metal group encouraged concert goers to form a mosh pit. “I’ve been involved with Lotus since the…

  • FOIA Request Reveals Marching Hundred Misled Public on Actual Number of Members

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Indiana University officials are in the hot seat after a public records request pulled back the curtain on one of IU’s most secretive groups. The Marching Hundred began in 1896, founded by a troupe of students born into immense wealth and influence. It has long been assumed that the band of affluent…

  • Hilly Hundred Partners with Perinuem Injury Survivors for Awareness Campaign

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Hilly Hundred officials announced a partnership with an organization that highlights one of the least talked about injuries in competitive cycling. Perineum Injury Survivor Services (PISS) is a nonprofit that works to bring attention to the dangers of ignoring signs of trauma to a critical, yet socially taboo, part of the body.…

  • Cool Parents Blast D.A.R.E. Curriculum as Too Rigid

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A growing number of area parents are criticizing what they claim is a dated approach to educating kids on the dangers of drug and alcohol abuse. The Monroe County Community School Corporation has been inundated with calls and e-mails from parents upset with the D.A.R.E. program. “It’s been unrelenting,” said MCCSC Communications…

  • IU Health Surgeons Acknowledge Mistakes, Lack of Preparation in Post-Op Press Conference

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Surgeons at IU Health Bloomington expressed frustration with their poor performance while addressing the media after an open heart surgery. Doctors Phillip Land and Michael Hardy were visibly shaken as they took ownership of their insufficient planning and botched fundamentals during a critical triple bypass surgery. “I’m just incredibly disappointed in myself,”…

  • ‘Doctors Without Boundaries’ Accused of Inappropriate Conduct at IU School of Nursing Mixer

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – The IU School of Nursing hosted a networking event at the Health Sciences Building open to current and future medical professionals. An organization comprised of mostly male physicians called ‘Doctors Without Boundaries’ was present at the event and allegedly made several attendees very uncomfortable. “Those guys either don’t know or don’t respect…

  • Cuban Returns to IU: “I Get Older, They Stay the Same Age”

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Billionaire alumnus Mark Cuban returned to Bloomington and had a few things to say about the “talent.” Cuban was in town to commemorate a statue erected in his honor at the Kelley School when he arrived with several co-eds and took to the podium. “Damn, it’s great to be back at Indiana…

  • Nautica, Sperry, Lacoste? It Was All About the Drip at the Lake Monroe Sailing Association Call-Out Meeting

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Prospective members of the illustrious Lake Monroe Sailing Association gathered en masse to prove they have what it takes to look amazing on a boat. It was Cape Cod meets Dad Bod at the annual call-out meeting where potential members seek to join the association by parading themselves before a discerning audience…

  • Council Candidate Apologizes for 1998 Blogger Post Praising Limp Bizkit

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A candidate for City Council was forced to apologize after internet sleuths unearthed a late nineties post from his Blogger page that raves about the divisive band Limp Bizkit. Brett Heinisch is challenging Hopi Stosberg for the District 3 Council seat and is currently facing intense scrutiny for his apparent affinity for…

  • Flash Mob Indicted on RICO Charges

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A spontaneous group dance that appeared to be miraculously perfect in its synchronized choreography is now accused of being fraudulent. The iconic Indiana University Sample Gates was the site of a sudden and seemingly organic outburst of joyful song and dance. Students and faculty alike unexpectedly sprang into a flawlessly harmonized routine…

  • Hipster Home Builder Only Uses Vinyl Siding

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A new residential developer is entering the Bloomington market and has something to say about the quality of newer, less expensive building materials. Silas Asher started ‘Analog Homes’ to disrupt the current home construction model of utilizing cheaper and lower quality components. Asher insists on only using vinyl siding to finish a…

  • Canadian Exchange Student Always Wanted to See Indiana

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A foreign exchange student from Winnipeg is loving life at Bloomington High School North as she checks the state of Indiana off of her travel bucket list. Ava Bouchard is having the time of her life as a young and carefree high school student in Southern Indiana. She used to only dream…

  • Morgue Open to Public Over Halloween Weekend

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – The County Coroner announced the morgue will be open for tours and scary story telling the weekend of Halloween. Coroner Jennifer Daws described the decision as an effort to promote good will with the community and make local government more transparent. “I work for the people,” said Daws. “Myself, the staff who…

  • Cook Medical Now Selling Discounted Used Catheters

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A Bloomington business powerhouse announced a plan to tackle inflation by offering customers a discount on secondhand catheters. Cook Medical is now selling used catheters to those impacted by increased prices in the medical device industry. “We understand the toll that inflation has taken on the average catheter user,” said Cook CFO…

  • Holographic Earnhardt Set to Race at Bloomington Speedway

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A racing legend in holographic form will be competing in the spring season at Bloomington Speedway. Die hard fans will be treated to a hologram of Earnhardt racing on the dirt track with the help of AI technology. “I couldn’t be more thrilled to have Dale at the track,” said speedway owner…

  • Mayor Wolfs Down Entire Bag of Smarties to Ease Fears of Eating Glass

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Mayor Hamilton took action to quell the Halloween anxiety of Smarties laced with glass by devouring the candy at a public event. Parents have annually expressed fears that the flavorless Smarties have glass placed inside the candy in order to maim or kill innocent children. The Mayor displayed a family size bag…

  • Rough Time of Year for Jack O’Lantern

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Halloween season is tough on a man with an eerily relevant name. Jack O’Lantern has lived in Bloomington his entire life but is yet to figure out just how to navigate the challenges that naturally come with having a name that so well suits the occasion. “It’s the worst,” lamented O’Lantern. “I…

  • MinuteClinic Full of Shit

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Wait times at the CVS MinuteClinic have some calling on the company to change the name they consider misleading. The CVS MinuteClinic is supposed to provide medical care to patients in a shorter amount of time than a traditional doctor’s office visit. Many in Bloomington believe that the company is not staying…

  • Embittered Former Denny’s Manager to Release Juicy Tell-All

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A former general manager at the now closed Denny’s has written a spicy memoir about her time with the company. Dina Nassim managed the popular family-style restaurant for five years before the company made an abrupt decision to close. All employees lost their jobs. “It was a tragedy really,” said Nassim. “That…

  • Professor Okay with Smoking in Class if He Can Bum One

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – IU professor and prolific cigarette smoker will allow students to smoke so long as there is enough to share. History professor Samuel Felt has a unique classroom policy. His classroom is not a ‘no smoking’ environment if the student asking also brought more for other smokers. “I don’t want to be here…

  • Black Cat Tragically Crosses Path of Chevy Silverado

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A cat was attempting to cross the road when it was struck and killed by a 2018 Chevrolet Silverado. The black cat was on its way to cross paths of Halloween revelers to carry out the responsibility of imparting onto the unwitting targets years of bad luck. “Yeah, it was pretty bad,”…

  • City to Send Humanitarian Aid to Gosport

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – City officials have agreed on terms for an aid package intended to address the increasingly concerning conditions in Gosport. Gosport has seen systemic poverty and blight continue to increase at a pace that has nearby cities and counties alarmed about the issues spreading beyond the town limits. Council President Sue Sgambelluri announced…

  • Fans Flock to Assembly Hall to Hurl Chairs in Remembrance of Knight

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Thousands of supporters of legendary coach Bobby Knight raced to Assembly Hall to huck chairs in his memory. Knight passed away at the age of 83. His storied career as the IU Men’s Basketball coach included delivering three National Championships and an Olympic Gold Medal. The larger than life figure was also…

  • Dumb Kid Gets Smart Phone

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – An eight year old child was inexplicably given a phone with all available bells and whistles that clearly exceed his youthful needs and underdeveloped mental capacity. Ashton Cline received the Samsung Galaxy Z Fold5 in Phantom Black from his parents who obviously have more money than sense. The phone retails for around…

  • Subway Jared Wishes He Would Have Stayed Morbidly Obese

    ENGLEWOOD, CO – He was a weight loss icon, now he sits in a federal prison. Jared Fogle longs for the days when he was a grotesquely overweight nobody. Jared Fogle was a household name when Subway mounted an advertising campaign that credited a daily diet of their subs with getting him from morbidly, disgustingly…

  • Several Hospitalized After Stampede at Winter Farmers’ Market BOGO Sale

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – It was a violent day at the Switchyard Park Pavilion as shoppers trampled one another as they fought to take advantage of a season kick-off sale. Bloomington Winter Farmers’ Market vendors offered buy one get one free for all items to boost interest in the annual grand opening of the indoor goods…

  • Content Feverishly Readied for OnlyFans Black Friday Deals

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – The city and campus have gone radio silent as compromising videos and pictures are captured in preparation for the biggest online sales day of the year. The website OnlyFans has provided millions of users with steady income through the sale of subscriptions to exclusive content, which is often suggestive and sexual in…

  • Toddler Spikes Ice Water Off Floor Like Super Bowl MVP

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – An unruly three year old nearly ruined dinner for his family and all in the restaurant as he mowed down each item on the table like a uniquely skilled mercenary. Little Theo Harris was a terrifying combination of tired and hungry when his family entered the College Mall Applebee’s. His parents insisted…

  • Sock on Door Handle Just Good Way to Binge Dawson’s Creek in Peace

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – A timeless dorm room tactic used as a do not disturb measure is now being utilized to watch a classic coming of age show in total privacy. A sock hung on a door handle was historically meant to signal to passers by that there is hot and heavy activity taking place in…

  • Police Use Nextdoor App to Target Residents with Too Much Time on Their Hands

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – Law enforcement has deployed a commonly used mobile app to monitor locals who are statistically prone to violence. The Bloomington Police Department is now using the popular Nextdoor app to locate and surveil community members with ample idle time that allows for obsessive scrutiny of neighborhood activity. The app gives users the…

  • Cooters, Nation’s First Bottomless Bar, Hosts Grand Opening

    BLOOMINGTON, IN – The city celebrated a true original as a new and exciting restaurant opened it doors. Cooters is the first in the nation bottomless bar and grill. The staff bare it all as guests are treated to the sights of booties and cooties. “It’s an awesome place,” said diner Garrett Few. “The girls…

MIAMI, FL – Moments before taking the field for the National Championship, Fernando Mendoza delivered what teammates described as the most aggressively responsible pregame speech in college football history—an impassioned, 11-minute breakdown of the long-term tax advantages of a Roth IRA. According to players present in the locker room, Mendoza emerged from behind his locker…

Trending