Limestone Ledger

BLOOMINGTON, IN — In a press conference that was equal parts Midwestern restraint and colorfully profane, Bloomington Police Chief Mike Diekhoff delivered his annual New Year’s Eve public safety message from the steps of City Hall this afternoon.

Flanked by table of confiscated noisemakers, Chief Diekhoff leaned into the microphone and spoke from the heart.

“Look, folks,” he began, adjusting his BPD ball cap, “I get it. It’s New Year’s Eve. You’ve had a few AMFs, our Hoosiers are playing in the Rose Bowl, and you’re feeling patriotic as hell. Firing a few rounds into the sky to ring in the new year? It’s fucking awesome. The sound, the flash, the sheer recklessness of it all. Hell, I might’ve done it once or twice before I put on this badge.”

The small crowd of reporters, city council members, and one confused, tipless DoorDash driver murmured in agreement. A student from the IDS nodded vigorously while live-tweeting.

“But here’s the thing,” Diekhoff continued, his tone shifting to the stern dad voice that has ended many a Kirkwood bar crawl, “Do not do it tonight. Seriously. Don’t. What goes up must come down, and when it does, it comes down fast enough to put a hole in your neighbor’s roof or a loved one’s skull.”

He paused for effect, scanning the crowd like he was looking for the one guy already planning to ignore him.

When asked by a reporter if the department had seen an increase in celebratory gunfire in recent years, Diekhoff chuckled.

“Increase? Son, this is Bloomington. Half the town thinks discharging a firearm means politely asking it to leave the party. The other half thinks it’s a sacred Hoosier tradition right up there with tenderloin sandwiches and complaining about weather swings.”

The chief wrapped up with alternatives: “Bang pots and pans. Blow those little horns that unroll like a frog tongue. Kiss somebody at midnight. Hell, light some of those legal fireworks till 1 a.m. — just keep the guns in the safe.”