Limestone Ledger

BLOOMINGTON, IN — First-year IU grad student and Boston native Liam Donnelly reportedly underwent what campus officials are calling a “profound cultural assimilation event” after being introduced to the card game Euchre during a Friday night gathering in a campus-adjacent garage.

Classmates say Donnelly, who moved to Bloomington two months ago to pursue a master’s degree in Public Affairs, had been struggling to bond with his Midwestern peers, until he made the catastrophic error of casually admitting he had “never even heard of Euchre.”

Witnesses say the room fell silent, as if Donnelly had confessed to murder.

“We told him not to panic,” said fellow grad student and Noblesville native Brad Crider, who immediately set down his Busch Light and adopted a tone usually reserved for missionary work. “We said we believed he could still be saved, even at his age.”

Within minutes, four Indiana-born students had formed a semicircle around Donnelly, lecturing with the intensity of street preacher. They reportedly provided a full historical overview of the game’s origins, the proper way to say bower, and a long list of unacceptable house-rule variations used by people from Michigan.

When Donnelly played his first hand and tentatively said, “Oh, this is actually kind of fun,” the group erupted into cheers usually reserved for Assembly Hall.

“We all remember our first time,” said Kayla Hughes from Evansville, placing a hand on his shoulder. “It’s like a baptism, you’re always welcome.”

Donnelly, who arrived at the gathering in a Celtics jersey and Patriots hat, reportedly spent the entire evening in a state of emotional overload.

Since his initiation, Donnelly has aggressively insisted everyone in his department learn the game, proudly explaining it to other out-of-state students as though he discovered it personally.

His academic advisor expressed concern.

“He came into my office and said he finally understands ‘Midwest values,’” said Dr. Lena Harmon. “Then he asked why the O’Neill School doesn’t offer a Euchre elective.”

Meanwhile, Midwestern students across campus have embraced Donnelly as a symbol of hope for coastal outsiders.

“See? They CAN learn,” said Brad Grey. “You just have to guide them like little lambs.”

Sources confirm Donnelly has already begun telling friends back home in Boston that Euchre is “wicked sick,” prompting his family to worry he has joined an Indiana-based cult.

“He said something about moving to Terre Haute,” reported his sister. “So yes, we’re very concerned.”