Limestone Ledger

BLOOMINGTON, IN — As Thanksgiving break approaches, thousands of IU freshmen are preparing to return to their hometowns, where extended family members are locked and loaded to comment on any evidence of the fabled ‘Freshman 15’ weight gain.

Across Indiana, aunts, uncles, and grandparents are reportedly rehearsing passive-aggressive commentary designed to target students’ self-esteem with pinpoint accuracy. Family members are said to be preparing comments such as “college must be good to you,” “Looks like meal swipes aren’t going to waste,” and the more advanced “You look… healthy,” accompanied by the signature aunt head tilt.

Students, meanwhile, are bracing for emotional impact.

“I’ve been at IU three months and somehow my entire personality, GPA, and emerging chin fat will be dissected in the first eight minutes I’m home,” said freshman biology major Taylor Martin.

According to psychologists, the annual ritual strikes freshmen particularly hard due to the combination of unlimited dining hall carbs, sporadic attendance at the gym, and crippling academic dread that spikes cortisol levels and drives young adults to order Mad Mushroom at 2:00 a.m.

Family members across the state claim their comments come from a place of love.

“I just care about my niece’s health,” said one Greenwood grandmother, polishing the phrase “Well, your face is fuller…” like a weapon she’s waited months to deploy.

Small-town friends are also allegedly preparing attacks. Some are expected to greet freshmen with lines like, “Bro, you got soft,” and “You look like you discovered beer.”