Limestone Ledger

BLOOMINGTON, IN — A local anti-capitalist activist and sustainability studies major announced Monday that he “rejects the oppressive capitalist machine in all its forms,” moments before handing his father’s Chase Sapphire Preferred card to a cashier at Goods for Cooks.

Witnesses say Arlo Whitford, 21, spent nearly an hour loudly condemning corporate greed, institutional power structures, and “the consumerist rot poisoning American consciousness” while selectively browsing the store’s premium section for protest supplies.

“He was ranting about dismantling the system,” said cashier Brianna Holt. “But then asked if the ethically sourced poster board qualified for his dad’s rewards points.”

According to receipts reviewed by Limestone Ledger, Whitford purchased:

• A $32 pack of artisanal markers “made by a co-op in Vermont”
• Three biodegradable water bottles
• A $48 locally crafted hand-woven protest flag (“Made by real hands, not exploited ones,” Whitford clarified repeatedly)
• A $12 scone

While packing the items into a reusable hemp tote, Whitford reaffirmed that “capitalism is a virus infecting the soul of humanity” and that “true revolution starts with mindful consumption,” moments before texting his father: “Hey Dad, totally forgot my own card. Can u approve this? It’s for a cause.”

Sources close to the Whitford family confirm that Arlo’s father, Trent Whitford, is a senior vice president for Goldman Sachs, and that Arlo has never personally paid a credit card bill.

Trent responded to his son’s request within minutes: “Fine. Please try not to get arrested. Love you.”

When asked about the contradiction between his anti-capitalist beliefs and reliance on family wealth, Whitford dismissed the question as “wealth discrimination.”

“The revolution needs supplies,” Whitford said, loading everything into his mom’s 2025 Range Rover SVAutobiography Ultimate Edition. “I can’t help it if the tools of resistance are trapped inside the wicket web of capitalist glutton. Also, if we’re going downtown, can someone Venmo me for gas?”

Whitford’s next protest, titled “Burn Down the System (Metaphorically),” is scheduled for Thursday at Dunn Meadow. Organizers encourage attendees to bring their own signs, snacks, and “a spirit of radical financial independence.” They also note the group will break at 3:15 p.m. so Whitford can make his dermatologist appointment.