Limestone Ledger

ELLETTSVILLE, IN – The Ellettsville Volunteer Fire Department’s much-anticipated 2026 charity calendar has raised a total of zero dollars, officials confirmed at a press conference held inside the station Thursday morning.

Department leadership, backed by E.V.F.D. insignia and an unplugged microphone, presented the glossy twelve-month calendar with mournful pride. The calendar, titled Blaze of Glory, features a collection of “husky hero” portraits depicting the department’s firefighters in partial uniform, surrounded by firehouse equipment, folding chairs, and profound regret.

Chief Melvin Haskins said the calendar was intended to raise funds for new hoses, turnout gear, and act as a “morale boost for the boys.” He admitted early sales “didn’t exactly light the world on fire.”

“We’ve got about 300 copies in the undercarriage of Engine Two,” Haskins said. “Well, technically 297, because some got stuck together in the laminator.”

The calendar features twelve of the town’s chunky and hunky volunteers posing in what one resident described as “the kind of confidence only found in total delusion and an absolute absence of self-awareness.”

Highlights include:

• March: Lieutenant Carl “Smokey” Riggins reclining on a firetruck bench seat, flanked by two extinguishers and a plate of deviled eggs.
• June: Twin brothers Dale and Daryl Blevins mid–tire change, photographed from an angle that has been described as “gastronomically alarming.”
• October: Volunteer Donny Pruitt emerging from the station shower in a cloud of steam, dousing himself with a can of Axe “Phoenix” body spray.

Town Treasurer Patty Jensen confirmed the department had not yet sold a single copy.

“Technically, one was taken home, but the buyer returned it the next morning after saying the images made his dog tuck tail and hide under the bed all night,” Jensen explained.

When asked if the fundraiser might continue online, Chief Haskins shook his head.

“We tried Facebook Marketplace, but they flagged it as obscene imagery.”

The department plans to store the unsold calendars in the “ol’ hose bay” next to the rusty, blunted axes until further notice.