Limestone Ledger

BLOOMINGTON, IN – A defiant Mayor Kerry Thomson unveiled a bold regional vision for cultural unification, pledging to annex the Town of Nashville.

Standing before a backdrop reading “One Region, One Tax Base,” Thomson described the move as necessary, tangible progress and promised Nashville residents that they would soon enjoy the benefits of modern governance like expansive metered parking and strict form-based zoning.

“Nashville’s rustic charm is an under-leveraged municipal asset,” said the Mayor. “Frankly, it’s time those log cabins started pulling their weight for the Greater Bloomington economy.”

Within hours of the announcement, Nashville’s iconic Main Street filled with protesters waving signs reading, “No Taxation Without Autumnal Representation” and “Keep the Craft, Ditch the City.”

Local artisan and soap-maker Mindy Roush told reporters she feared “Bloomington will replace our handcrafted signage with cold, dispassionate QR codes.”

“They’ll probably mandate artisanal compliance inspections,” Roush said. “Next thing you know, they’ll rezone my candle studio as ‘light industrial.’”

City officials insist annexation would benefit both communities. Bloomington’s Economic Development Director Skylar Pennington said the merger would finally connect the two great pillars of Southern Indiana commerce — “higher education and humbly delightful bed-and-breakfasts.”

“Imagine a future where Hoosier parents can drop off their kids at IU and then drive fifteen minutes to buy tax-base enhancing wind chimes made from repurposed silverware,” Pennington said. “That’s the synergy we’re chasing.”

Brown County commissioners condemned the plan as “a cultural invasion disguised as regional collaboration.”

Sheriff Burt Crider vowed to defend Nashville’s borders with a fleet of tastefully modified golf carts.

“If I see one Bloomington code enforcement officer cross Salt Creek, it’s on” stated Crider.