Limestone Ledger

BLOOMINGTON, IN — Actor Jesse Eisenberg was escorted out of The Upstairs Pub after reportedly spending several hours explaining the Zombieland movie “rules for survival” to increasingly confused patrons.

Eisenberg, who moved to Bloomington with his wife, a native Hoosier, enjoys the occasional night out. He can often be seen at Nick’s or Alley Bar engaging with often unwilling patrons to probe just how much his movies have impacted their lives.

Zombieland was a 2009 dark comedy that followed survivors of a virus that turned humans into brain-starved zombies. Eisenberger starred alongside Woody Harrelson and Emma Stone. The crew developed a set of rules to survive in the new world of the constant threat from the undead.

According to witnesses, Eisenberg initially ordered a Bloomington Brewing Company Empire before launching into a meticulous lecture on zombie preparedness.

“Rule #18: Limber up,” he told a bewildered group of darts-throwers. “I cannot stress enough how important flexibility is in the event of a campus-wide outbreak.”

Bartender Allison Greene said the situation remained mostly civil but became “a bit much.”

“He wasn’t drunk, he wasn’t loud, he was just… let’s say persistent,” said Greene. “At one point he drew detailed diagrams on dozens of cocktail napkins. Eventually I had to step in and tell Mr. Eisenberg to maybe give the Zombieland thing a rest. After a couple of AMFs, these kids may as well be zombies anyway.”

Patrons later spotted Eisenberg pacing Kirkwood, continuing to preach his list of survival tips to unwitting barcrawlers. Witnesses confirmed his last known advice of the evening was: “Rule #27: Never trust a Kelley dude majoring in Finance.”