Limestone Ledger

BLOOMINGTON, IN – Indiana University leadership has made a controversial change to its Expressive Activity Policy. IU now defines Free Speech for all present on campus grounds as the one free phone call from jail following an arrest for participating in any form of protest or defiance.

The new rule states that those arrested for protesting, or sending a Trustee an email that hurts their feelings, will be given a single opportunity to voice their concerns by shouting into a jail payphone while other offenders hold hastily made cardboard signs.

University officials claim this “creates a safe, structured environment for dissent” and “encourages brevity in political thought.”

Vice Provost Dr. Lamar Hylston defended the move. “Free speech has always been about quality over quantity, so one call should be more than enough to tell your mommy you got arrested and demand justice.”

Meanwhile, campus police say they are “thrilled” with the clarity of the policy change.

“It makes our job a lot simpler,” said IUPD head Ben Hunter. “We don’t have to figure out which part of campus is the free speech zone anymore; it’s the Monroe County Jail.”

Free Speech activists and constitutional experts have expressed their concerns and disappointment, claiming the policy is yet another action to silence the aggrieved and trample on rights that date back to the foundation of the country.

“I’m surprised, but I’m not shocked,” said constitutional lawyer Elizabeth Diseroad. “IU leadership, including President Whitten and the Board of Trustees, have limited speech so severely that the University ranked last in the country for Free Speech rights, and they show no sign of stopping.”

Students gathered to protest the policy, with nearly everyone bringing a written one-minute statement to read when they step up to the prison payphone.