Limestone Ledger

BLOOMINGTON, IN – A Bloomington business powerhouse announced a plan to tackle inflation by offering customers a discount on secondhand catheters.

Cook Medical is now selling used catheters to those impacted by increased prices in the medical device industry.

“We understand the toll that inflation has taken on the average catheter user,” said Cook CFO Arnie Cook. “That’s why we made the decision to buy back old catheters, give them a good polish, then sell them at a generous discount.”

A catheter aids a user in urination by being installed through the urethra and into the bladder. For men, a tube is placed up through the penis.

“I don’t mind if my catheter’s been up in some other dude’s peepee hole so long as I’m getting a good deal,” said prospective buyer Stanley Huff.

Inflation in the medical device sales world has outpaced other markets and has led to companies seeking creative alternatives to selling often critical health care equipment.

“I’m seeing interesting moves in a very complex marketplace,” said Indiana University economist Heather Ames. “The very fact that people are even considering, let alone buying, catheters that have been pushed and pulled through a stranger’s shaft just demonstrates the massive effects of health care inflation.”

There is talk of Cook considering a line of “cactus caths” that offer a more painful experience for those who are into that sort of thing.

“Look, we go where the market takes us,” said CFO Cook. “If there is a large enough dominatrix demand for BDSM focused catheters, then Cook will give those freaks exactly want they want.”