Limestone Ledger

BLOOMINGTON, IN — In a story that has quietly scandalized both sides of the B-Line, sources confirm that a Monroe County townie and an Indiana University undergraduate have been meeting in secret at the Video Saloon, attempting to keep their burgeoning romance hidden from friends, coworkers, and, most importantly, their respective social ecosystems.

According to eyewitnesses, the pair have been seen sitting in the darkest corner booth of the dive bar, speaking in hushed tones, and occasionally locking eyes before quickly pretending to look at the dartboards.

“Yeah, I saw them there last Tuesday,” said Kyle Denton, a regular at The Vid and a self-described dart league legend. “They looked like they were in the witness protection program. At one point he ducked under the table when a guy in an O’Neill School hoodie walked by.”

The townie, described as “denim-clad and suspiciously polite,” reportedly works part-time in HVAC and knows every bartender by name. The student, meanwhile, is believed to be a Kelley School junior whose friend group refers to Bloomington residents exclusively as “non-factors.”

Their improbable connection has forced them to adopt elaborate measures to remain undetected.

“They have a whole system,” said a mutual acquaintance who asked to remain anonymous. “They enter from opposite sides of the bar, text coded phrases like “the eagle has landed” before walking in, and never post on social media within three hours of seeing each other. It’s actually impressive how manically paranoid they are.”

Friends of both parties have expressed confusion, and in some cases disapproval, over the relationship.

“She told us she was going to study econ at a coffee shop,” said roommate Ashley Reiner. “But like… you don’t come back from studying econ smelling like Busch Light and fried pickle grease.”

The townie’s friends have been less forgiving.

“He’s throwing his life away,” said long-time buddy Chase “The Ace” Edwards. “Next thing you know he’ll be at a Bloomington North tailgate wearing a Vineyard Vines vest and pretending to care about sorority bid day.”

Despite the backlash, sources say the pair remain undeterred, with plans to continue their clandestine meetings, at least until someone finds out or the shame becomes too much.

“They think they’re star-crossed lovers,” Denton said. “But let’s keep it real. This ends when graduation does.”