Limestone Ledger

BLOOMINGTON, IN – Students and staff at Indiana University were left stunned after witnesses reported seeing actor Nicolas Cage vaulting from the second-floor balcony of the IU Archives while gripping what appeared to be an ancient scroll.

According to campus officials, the ‘National Treasure’ star had been in Bloomington for what his publicist described as “genealogical research,” though eyewitnesses said Cage spent several hours pacing the archives muttering phrases such as “the limestone holds the key” and “the truth is beneath the Sample Gates.”

“He looked like he hadn’t slept since 2007,” said Archives fellow Tanner Briggs. “But honestly, the guy was clearly on a mission, burning through pages of IU origin texts like a man possessed.”

IU Police confirmed that officers were dispatched after a high security vault alarm was triggered near the Lilly Library. An IUPD patrol unit arrived to find Cage sprinting across 10th Street, clutching a weathered scroll. One officer said the actor shouted “The people have to know!” before disappearing the beyond McNutt Quadrangle.

University archivists are still assessing what, if anything, was taken. Preliminary reports suggest Cage may have absconded with a 17th-century limestone charter fragment rumored to reference a secret tunnel connecting the Old Crescent to Assembly Hall.

University President Pam Whitten released a brief statement calling the incident “deeply concerning but oddly flattering,” adding that the university “does not condone theft, even when conducted by hunky Oscar-winners.”

As of press time, Cage had not been located. A campus-wide alert described him as “on edge, determined and dangerous,” and advised the public not to approach. Sources close to the investigation say he may be headed toward Griffey Lake, claiming the next clue “can only be revealed by moonlight on the Eastern shore.”