Limestone Ledger

ELLETTSVILLE, IN – An annual leisurely autumn ride through the rolling hills of Southern Indiana turned into bedlam this weekend when unregistered participant and disgraced cycling legend Lance Armstrong crashed the Hilly Hundred, aggressively overtaking riders and leaving chaos and casualties in his wake.

Witnesses say Armstrong appeared “wild-eyed, glistening, and disturbingly vascular,” wearing his signature black Livestrong jersey and shouting “Out of the way, losers!” with the intensity of a man still being chased by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency.

“He came out of nowhere,” said rider Caleb Porter. “I was enjoying the fall foliage when he clipped my back wheel doing, I swear, 40 miles an hour uphill. I went airborne. He just yelled, ‘Pedal through the pain, baby!’ and vanished toward Spencer.”

Organizers quickly realized Armstrong was not on the roster after noticing the name “Lance Strongarm” scrawled on a waiver in Sharpie. Volunteers attempted to flag him down near Popcorn Road, but he allegedly turned his bike sharply, throwing rocks and demanded a drink “with protein and a moral gray area.”

“He completely missed the point of the event,” said Hilly Hundred coordinator Denise Callahan. “It’s about community and scenery, not personal redemption through dominating a bunch of sight-seeing amateurs.”

By mile 87, Armstrong had reportedly lapped multiple groups of casual riders, including a women’s brunch club from Terre Haute, a couple on a tandem bike celebrating their 40th anniversary, and an IU student on a Lime e-bike.

When asked about the incident, Armstrong defended his participation.

“Listen, I’m a changed man,” said a fast-talking, jacked up Armstrong. “My supplements are all natural now, wink-wink.”

He later posted to social media declaring himself “undefeated Hilly Hundred Champion, 2025.” Officials responded making clear that the ride “is not timed, scored, or even competitive in any recognized way.”

Local authorities confirmed no charges will be filed, as no one can agree under which jurisdiction the incident occurred. The Ellettsville and Bloomington Police Departments, Monroe and Owen County Sheriff’s Offices, and the Indiana DNR are reportedly in a jurisdictional footrace to avoid responsibility.