BLOOMINGTON, IN – In a scandal shaking the local produce co-op community to its core, shocking undercover footage has surfaced showing workers at the Farm Stop Collective aggressively misting and threatening captive alfalfa sprouts.
The exposé, captured by a self-described “guerrilla truth-teller” has ignited outrage across the city. The grainy, body-cam style footage shows a Farm Stop volunteer berating sprouts in mason jars while blasting them with a spray bottle.
“This is sprout-on-sprout violence,” said horrified local activist Simone Chai, while holding back tears. “No innocent alfalfa should be told it’s weak, soggy, and unworthy of hummus wraps.”
Farm Stop Collective leadership has denied the allegations.
“Our sprouts are free to grow in peace, without mistreatment or exploitation,” said Collective leader Bobbi Boos. “The footage is taken out of context. Our member was simply giving the sprouts encouragement and affirmations, albeit in a raised voice.”
The Bloomington City Council has scheduled an emergency meeting to designate alfalfa sprouts as “sentient microgreens.” The ordinance would guarantee sprouts the right to “ethical hydration, respectful sunlight, and freedom from hostile vibrations.”
Protests broke out almost immediately, with students chaining themselves to mason jars outside the co-op. Signs read “Sprouts Have Feelings Too” and “End Sprout Apartheid.”
Meanwhile, rival co-ops have quietly capitalized on the chaos. Bloomingfoods reported a 300% increase in kale sales, with one clerk noting, “At least kale can take a stern admonishing.”
As one customer summed it up while clutching a hemp bag of quinoa: “If we can’t trust our sprout nurturers, who can we trust?”
Limestone Ledger 
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