Limestone Ledger

BLOOMINGTON, IN – In what analysts are calling the boldest move of the Transfer Portal era, Indiana University secured the commitment of a 6’10’’ power forward who shredded the fabric of space and time in front of a sold out Assembly Hall crowd.

New Head Coach Darian DeVries is starting his first season at IU and is pulling out all the stops in recruitment as he attempts to rebuild the storied program. DeVries, along with Assistants Adam Howard and Jordon Hulls, have literally gone above and beyond as confirmed by the signing of college basketball’s first athlete from an alternative plane of consciousness.

Enter Xyler Omnicron, or XO.

XO hails from Aetherion, a parallel universe only reachable through the precise application of quantum superposition, transferring omnipresent particles and matter through the energy veil and directing their primary signal to the target destination. DeVries credits Indiana University Physics faculty with discovering an actionable method of interdimensional travel.

“XO would not be a Hoosier if not for the geniuses in the IU Physics and Quantum Information Department,” said Coach DeVries. “There was definitely risk in reducing ourselves to base atomic particles only to be shot at the speed of light into the unknown, but this is Indiana fu**in’ basketball.”

The sold out Assembly Hall crowd was told there would be a massive, unprecedented announcement at the first open practice. As the Big Red Basketball Band launched into ‘Indiana, Our Indiana” a bizarre door-like outline began to take shape at mid court, oozing with plasma and seemingly alive.

It was then that XO ripped through the portal to deafening applause and unmitigated excitement. Coach DeVries immediately lobbed Omnicron an alley-oop as he proceeded to tear off the rim with a one-handed slam.

“I honestly can’t believe what I just saw,” said overwhelmed fan Henry Baker. “I mean, there’s no one built to compete with XO, the guy is just a freak. I’ve joked before about stud athletes being from different planets, but it’s almost true with XO. I mean, recruiting in different dimensions?!”

The NCAA must rule on XO’s eligibility. A decision to approve will fundamentally change college basketball recruiting. Up until now, most recruiting was domestic, with some targeting of European players.

If the NCAA signs off on XO, there will be no parallel dimension safe from the insatiable appetites of college basketball athletic departments and perpetually unsatisfied fans.