Limestone Ledger

FISHERS, IN – CrossFit gyms across the state have seen explosive growth in membership driven almost exclusively by divorced men whipping their ever-aging bodies into peak physical condition ahead of Indiana University Parents Weekend.

The CrossFit community has come to expect the annual uptick in divorcee motivation, even dubbing the surge “Temporary Visitation.”

Parents Weekend prep typically begins around three months prior to the high stakes event as middle-aged men flock to gyms invariably on a business call speaking through a bluetooth earpiece and carrying tubs of whey protein and creatine.

“I mean, I’ll take their money and we’ll give them a hardcore workout, but I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t all hysterical,” laughed XFit Fishers own Tanner Reynolds. “These guys treat Parents Weekend like some of my members treat actual competitions. It’s their Super Bowl, and they’ll do anything for 90 days to bring home The Lombardi.”

The seasonal sculpting effect goes far beyond CrossFit workouts. Businesses such as GNC, Hims, We Grow Hair Indy, and PhalloFILL providers all see a significant increase in interest and sales of self-improvement products and services.

“I can tell you with authority that businesses in the male health and beauty industry all look forward to the few months before IU Parents Weekend,” said strip mall mogul Vern Harding. “Divorced dudes come out of the woodwork desperately searching for a flatter stomach, smoother skin, a full head of hair, enhanced length and girth, an iron ass, you name it, they want it and they pay top freakin’ dollar.”

Children of these ambitious fathers have mixed feelings about placing so much emphasis on an extreme makeover for what amounts to a glorified tour of campus and some meals on Kirkwood Avenue.

“It’s really just embarrassing,” said Junior Kaitlyn Means. “Truthfully, I want my dad to show up, take me and my friends out for dinner and drinks, then go back to the Holiday Inn. Instead, last year he showed up at 8:00 a.m. Friday morning in a size small polo shirt, greased up like an all-night diner flattop and paraded me around town all weekend so he could hit on my sorority sisters and insisted he sleep on my floor.”

Parents Weekend is September 26th, 27th, and 28th. There is little doubt that the PW Preppers are putting the finishing touches on their personal aesthetic redesign in hopes this year will in fact be their year. Godspeed, gentlemen.