Limestone Ledger

BLOOMINGTON, IN – Federal Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agents raided several IU campus classrooms, rounding up all students, professors, and staff associated with the Latino Studies Program.

The mass arrests were the result of a new Trump administration policy directive stating that anyone studying or teaching in disciplines that focus on “undesirable foreign countries” are subject to immediate detainment and deportation.

“Even for this bunch of nitwits, the raids and arrests were absolutely shocking,” said IU Junior Jaycee Dunn. “I was standing in the hall waiting for Finite when out of nowhere flack-jacketed, masked officers with guns kicked in doors and started pinning everyone in sight to the ground.”

A significant number of students in the Latino Studies Program are actually American citizens. However, the administration policy expressly states that even Americans will be deported “given the risk they present to the homeland as a result of favoring foreigners over their fellow countrymen.”

“We will never, ever apologize for putting America first,” said Trump policy chief Steven Miller. “If you want to betray your country by prioritizing non-American history and linguistics, then you shouldn’t be shocked when we send you to be with the citizens of the country you obviously prefer.”

University leadership has been stunningly silent in the wake of the deportations. President Whitten has treaded very carefully since the election of Trump and the resulting pressure from the administration, even slashing hundreds of programs that were accused of being “woke” or DEI and unfairly biased against conservatives.

“This is just the next step in IU fully bending to the will of an autocrat,” said alumna Beatrice Vanguard. “Whitten would rather stay quiet and collect her six-figured bonuses rather than fight for academic freedom and the Constitutional rights of all students and faculty.”